


Guns and Crystals

by MissLunaTick



Series: Case files: Hellsing [2]
Category: Hellsing, Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Funny asides, Rated teen for language and mild violence, The chickens, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-08-27 14:38:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16704373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLunaTick/pseuds/MissLunaTick
Summary: Alucard walks into a bar, and he meets a character from a far more child friendly side of life.





	1. Favor

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little 'side' chapter to my story Crimson Smiles. I needed to do something a little less serious to help free my creative juices. I will probably put all my little side chapters under this 'story' so I have an outlet for the more ridiculous parts of my imagination. I walked a thin line with Jareth. It's hard to make him more villainous without taking away that essence of him being a children's movie character. And the reason its a cross over with Labyrith was because I had a bit of inspiration from a friend of mine. I'm head over heels for Alucard, she is heels over head for Jareth, we had a crazy all night movie night and those ideas we teasingly tossed around are just to much fun for me to ignore writing about.

October 23…London…12:36 a.m.

Alucard sat at the bar of the practically vacant pub. This particular pub was one of the few authorized 'monster' pubs in London. No humans allowed. There was real blood in the bloody Mary's, and if someone said they were a vampire, they meant it. This was not a nightclub full of posers. It was a small business run by a non-human, licensed and registered through the convention of twelve, monitored by Hellsing agents, and often raided by those agents in the search of targets or information. All the younger vampires would clear out as soon as Alucard walked in. He had no qualms about killing any of them, and he had made that point perfectly clear more than once. No one could quiet scrub all of Henry's brains off the ceiling, or James' liver off the far wall, or pull out Thomas' skull fragments that were embedded into the mirror of the men's restroom. The vampiress behind the bar came up and was trying to flirt with him. She was new. Her black hair was lifelessly straight and her skin was the perfect shade of white, with black lipstick and heavy mascara. She made sure he could see down her shirt and between her breasts. He did not pay her any attention, which was in her favor, or else she would end up impaled on the sign outside. The only other creatures in the bar were the Irish werewolf and his poker buddy, a Scottish vampire. Both creatures were well into their third century and did not bother him, and Alucard in turn ignored them. All three could hear scuttling and cackling from the dark corners of the room. The vampiress barely caught the bottles of blood wine that went flying off the shelves. Alucard pulled out Casull and fired a shot behind his back at the creature, a yelp of pain ringing out before something fell to the floor in a heap. There was a tisk tisking sound as a hooded gentleman with an absurd bird mask and cape appeared at the end of the bar. Alucard ignored the new comer. In this place such entrances were common. If you wanted so much as a glance you would need to run through here naked with a light bulb glowing out your ass.

"You killed it. Such a shame. I almost learned his name." The voice had a lyrical quality to it, and Alucard quickly aimed a shot at the masked man. Well, it was not really a man, the Fae sounded familiar to him. "Come now…is this any way to treat a King?" A smirk crossed Alucard's lips from under the brim of his hat.

"If you seek to impress me with titles Fae you are speaking to the wrong immortal." A clicking sound rang out as Alucard prepared to fire. The owner would not bother to protest the soon to be property damage, better pay for a new wood panel than be dust.

"You must be the old vampire responsible for these horrid stains. All those young blood suckers run like children once you come in." The Fae did not even blink with the large pistol pointed at him.

"And you must be David Bowie's doppelganger." The Fae pulled off his disguise, a smug smirk on aristocratic lips.

"I am found out it seems. When I tire of this appearance I will pick a new one. For now it has been most…entertaining. Fan girls are willing to do anything for their favorite character. Went to a convention last week, I left quite a few happy women in my wake." There was a round of cackles from the goblins nestled in the dark corners of the pub. "Shut up." The cackling stopped.

"What is a Fae doing so deep in such unfriendly surroundings? I thought iron was toxic to your kind." The gun disappeared once more into the near endless depths of Alucard's pockets.

"A child is about to be wished away." The Fae summoned his crystal orb and began to play with it, easily juggling it. "It will replace that one you just killed." Alucard snorted in disbelief. A child was about to be stolen more like it. The Fae were notorious for changelings, it would be no different this day and age.

"Right. Wished away. And I need to be invited into someone's home." The goblins in the shadows started to cackle again.

"Shut up." Jareth tossed the crystal into the air, watching it disappear in a burst of glitter. He would not have his subjects laughing for someone else.

"I loathe glitter." The words escaped Alucard like a growl. Jareth gave Alucard a glance, shrugging the vampire's anger off as easily as a duck does water.

"I don't blame you. It would look atrocious on you." There was a silence and Jareth rolled his eyes. "Laugh you idiots. That was the joke." The goblins burst into laughter at their monarchs command.

"It can't look any worse on me then it does on you." Alucard reached out, a bottle of wine firmly in his grasp and he set it down in front of him. The vampiress made to pour it for him, flashing him an overly toothy grin and once more thrusting her chest out at him. Finally lifting his head he gave her a seductive smirk, still not letting her see behind his glasses and into his eyes. "I appreciate you attempts to whore yourself out to me, but I'm currently in a relationship. If you would like to become my dinner there is much less degrading ways to go about it my dear." The vampiress looked taken aback and moved away from him, humiliated and frightened.

"You have a relationship? Who is the lucky corpse?" Jareth was less harsh with the vampiress, ordering ale.

"I'm with a human. I'm not taking some other vampires leftovers." Alucard watched the wine as he poured it into his glass.

"Ah…human women. So simple aren't they. A few pretty words, a dash of showing off, and they swoon." Alucard rolled his eyes behind his glasses.

"My little human is obsessing over that blasted Labyrinth movie." Jareth smirked with satisfaction, giving the vampiress a saucy wink that made her blush.

"It's the singing…and the pants. Girls just can't resist the combination. It's like catnip." The goblins all burst into laughter this time, and Jareth let them.

"I just hypnotize them. No need to bother with flashy gimmicks." Alucard took a drink from his wine glass. The two creatures in the back corner getting up and leaving. The goblins had started to steal their cards.

"You just don't have it in you to be flashy." The two inhumans glared at each other from across the bar.

"I could put you to shame with how 'flashy' I can be." Alucard hissed through his fangs.

"Killing me does not prove you can be flashy. Just deadly. Let's be frank, that point is getting a tad bit old. There are only so many times you can kill and have people be shocked before it becomes routine." Jareth was juggling three crystal orbs nimbly in his fingers.

"Shouldn't you be stealing children?"

"Shouldn't you be with your girlfriend?" The space between them was silent if one ignored the goblins, the vampiress going in the back room to keep the little pests out of the wine racks. Alucard made to sip from his wine glass, his eyebrow twitching when he noticed the glitter on his coat.

"Your glitter is spreading." Jareth let a crystal roll from his fingertips, down the bar and it tapped against Alucard's coat, the glitter attracted to it like metal to a magnet. The crystal then rolled back and joined the others in the rhythmic motions; the gentle clinking of the orbs knocking together would have captivated a human. "I was worried I might look like that piece of shit Twilight punk."

"Don't even mention that. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make glitter look masculine? Then that…series comes along and now glitter is…passé. If I ever met a vampire like that I would stuff in down an oubliette and then drain some of the bog into the room so they would drown." Alucard liked the way this Fairy thought.

"That's a bit passive for me." Jareth rolled his eyes.

"We can't all be so aggressive. I still must deal with children. And today's youth are just so…delicate. I miss the olden days when children needed more than a few bolts of lightning and having snakes thrown at them before breaking down into sobs." Alucard raised his glass to that.

"I miss the old days when vampires weren't so bloody romanticized. I don't do romantic. I already have enough stereotyping to deal with. I do not need women thinking that the only think I'm after is love. I like killing and I want a nice little human I can turn into a bloodthirsty plaything. I have no desire to be a 'reformed vampire'. Damned pieces of shit." Jareth raised his glass in return.

"To old days."

"Cheers." Both men drank from their respective glasses.

"So is this human you're with now going to be that little plaything?" Alucard sighed, running a hand through his hair. He was still trying to figure out why he was with Lina, he was not even contemplating that far in advance.

"I don't know. Right now she's obsessing over your tight pants. Last week it was Batman, and the week before that Indiana Jones. I doubt she has time to even think of me."

"Would you like her to be obsessing over you?" Jareth held out an orb, it changing into a peach, tossing it to the vampire. Alucard looked the peach over, eyeing the Fae carefully. Never trust a Fae. Well, just don't trust anyone in general, but especially someone with powers. "I can make it happen."

"And how do you propose to do that?" The peach burst like a bubble in Alucard's hand, leaving glass shards in the vampire's hand.

"You would have to do me a favor first. We Fae don't give something for nothing." A wicked smirk slipped onto Alucard's lips as he let the little wounds from the glass shards bleed.

"Nothing, Tra La La. What do I have to do? I won't go child snatching will I?" An equally wicked smirk graced Jareth's lips.

"No. I was hoping a hunter of your caliber would be able to rid me of a small problem plaguing my kingdom. Assuming you won't get lost in my Labyrinth."

"What do you want me to hunt?"

"The blasted chickens."


	2. Tight Fit

Underground…Labyrinth

"Kingy! Kingy! He is here!" The small lizard like goblin screeched as he ran into the throne room, the little creatures already unpleasant features twisted into a look of terror, shutting the doors of the throne room. The other goblins looked at the goblin, their king still lazily lounging, the riding crop taping against his boot. "Red vampire is he-!" The creature was cut off as a riding boot kicked it across the room through the doors, the rest of the tall imposing form fazing through the door as if his body was made of mist. Alucard looked down at the goblins staring at him, giving them a shark toothed smile; the creatures scrambling from the room quicker than if the dinner bell had rung. Walking further into the room Alucard looked over the space from behind his glasses, turning up his nose at the smell of rotting food and ale.

"Just because you keep company with goblins does not mean it must smell like them." Alucard crossed his arms and leaned against the wall near Jareth's head, peering down threateningly at the Fae. Slowly Jareth looked up, looking every bit the tired Fae king of such low level creatures. The only other creature in the room was a chicken that was scratching at the floor to pick up the crumbs of food.

"How better to keep nosy nobles away than by surrounding yourself with the undesirable?" Jareth was still tapping his crop against the heel of his boot, his mismatched eyes looking over the figure before him. "Surely you of all…well you aren't really a person any more…can understand that my dear impaler prince." A crystal floated into the room from a window, the glimmering reflection in it showing another poor fool being trapped in the world of dream and fantasy the Fae knew how to weave with careful precision. "Ah, and it seems the last runner of the day has failed." The crystal was shrunken down till it was no large than the head of a pin needle, and placed inside the medallion around his neck. "Tell me my old chap, how ever did you get through my Labyrinth so quickly?" Alucard smirked, giving off an aloof air of superiority.

"I flew in. I gave your subjects quiet a good fright as a cloud of bats swarming around the castle." Alucard had not bothered with running the maze; he had a schedule to keep. Jareth thought it over for a moment, laughing.

"They need a scare every now and then. Keep them in their place. Now on to the matter of why you are here, accept or decline?" Jareth had risen from his chair, summoning more crystals to play with as they spoke.

"I can kill every chicken here if that's what you want. But how will you upkeep your end of this bargain?" Alucard looked around the throne room, wrinkling his nose as the smells came upon him. It had been a while since he had dealt with smells like this. The medieval ages had not been the most tidy of eras, so he was not disgusted by the smells; it was just different since humans actually strived for keeping everything smelling clean in modern times. The Fae put down the crystals with his playing with and summoned up one with which he spied upon the girl Alucard was dating. A smirk crossed Jareth's lips as he started to spin the crystal on the tip of his finger, the crystal orb spinning faster and faster. As it spun it started to elongate, removing his finger Jareth molded the spinning crystal with his fingers into a particular shape, examining it as it continued to spin. It was like blown glass without fire. Finally the spinning stopped as Jareth was finished with his work, the crystal now was in the shape of a snake bracelet, and as it cooled it began to form gemstone shapes and it sparkled brilliantly in the sun. Jareth tossed the finished product to Alucard.

"After you finish this I will find a way to get that around her wrist and when she wears it, the snake will bite her, and the poison will make her think of no man but you. She'll be on you every hour of every day, and will obey every command without fail. Does that satisfy you?" Jareth picked up the sleeping baby in the center of the throne room, looking over the babe with a malicious grin. A crystal flew to him and changed to a pacifier, and as the baby would suckle it the magic would change it into a goblin.

"It's a bit much. I like her obsessing over me, but I am a solitary creature. I need some degree of freedom, and allowing this means I have to keep her like a pet. I'll never have time to be alone." The bedazzled snake bracelet hissed viciously before slithering away from Alucard and back to its creator. Jareth had already started the baby's transformation, a goblin running in to take it away to finish the process.

"How noble of you." Sarcasm was heavy in the Fae's voice as he tossed himself back into the throne, considered another payment. "Tonight is Samhain…if your aim is simplicity I could always give you a costume. And I can promise she will be thinking about you if you wear it. Of course you'll need to have a bit of showman ship. If you think you can handle it."

"What did you have in mind?" Alucard never backed down from a challenge; it just wasn't in his nature.

"You will go as me. Tight breeches and all." Jareth was too pleased by the disgruntled look Alucard made at the suggestion. "Do we have an accord?" Alucard put his hand out for the Fae to shake, pleased by the wince he caused as he squeezed much too hard.

"We do." With a short squawk the chicken that had been cleaning the crumbs of the castle floor was now laying on the ground, its neck snapped by a shadowy tendril. "This is going to be a piece of cake." Alucard turned to leave the throne room, shifting his shape into his hellhound form.

"Oh, do leave the ones in the coups alive. I do enjoy eggs for breakfast." Jareth called out as the massive beast walked down the hallway. The hellhound wagged its tail in a manner Jareth was certain was an equivalent of the middle finger. With a smirk Jareth moved to his chambers, looking out his window and upon his kingdom. All over the city his goblins were screaming as the chicken were mauled by a great black beast. He watched them scrambling for their weapons to protect the live stock, bursting into laughter as Alucard simply ignored them, able to cast his minions off with a swipe of his tail. As Alucard finished with the chickens in the city Jareth watched as the vampire ran up his city walls and out into the massive labyrinth. The snake bracelet came slithering out from his sleeve, its massive jewel eyes looking up at its creator. "He may not find it entertaining to watch that mortal cling to him, but I can't wait to see how that plays out. Now…we just wait a small bit till his defenses are lowered and sneak you up there for her." The snake hissed approvingly, returning up the king's sleeve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to know how the costume turned out its chapter 16 of my Crimson Smiles story.


	3. Cock of the walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just more silliness.  
> Also, beware chicken cursing.

There was a hush among the group, all struggling to keep silent as the monstrous beast paced on the wall nearby. A myriad of red eyes looking in every direction, an open mouth dripping saliva and blood, feathers fluttering in the breeze from their fallen comrades. The beast let out a hauntingly manic human laugh as it leapt away to a new part of the maze.

The chickens let out a cluck of relief as they were spared for now. Timidly clucking among themselves about what to do. This creature had been first spotted leaving the King's’ palace, and it had been merciless in it’s slaughter of their numbers. It seemed the Goblin King had finally gone and decided to put an end to their coup and cull their numbers. The small group of three chickens made to rush to the next illusion point, trying to make their way to the head rooster.

Alucard changed his form once out of sight into a black rooster, his feathers glossy black, his comb deep red and his tail feathers a matching deep red. He phased through the wall, stalking behind the fleeing group. He shouldn’t be having this much fun hunting chickens. As he followed behind them he noticed that they seemed to be ‘talking’ to each other. Odd...did the chicken here have different properties than the ones in his world? The chickens stopped at a dry fountain, looking around worriedly and Alucard ducked out of sight, still watching them carefully.

The chickens clucked an all clear, hopping in the fountain and then Alucard could hear stone moving before the clack of sharp claws on stone before the stone grated against each other again. No more noise came from the fountain, and Alucard moved to exam what happened. As he poked his head over, his red eyes found it empty, sets of chicken tracks in the dust of the fountain but no chickens. He spotted the scrape marks of where something had slid over the other stones. Oh this was too much fun. Intelligent farm animals. What other wonders awaited him? He phased through the stone he presumed they moved, finding a small passageway that was just barely large enough for him strut through in his rooster form. He started to follow the hallway, his sharp teeth lining the inside of the beak edge. After an amount of time he could hear a dull clucking sound, and he could smell a large amount of poultry.

The passageway opened up to an earthen amphitheater like area, hens all in the upper portions of the seating, while roosters crowded the bottom, sounding at each other in serious tones. A massive rooster entered from a larger passageway, his feathers pure white, and bright green streaming feathers on his tail. The other chickens went silent as the rooster made his way towards the center of the floor, giving attention to their apparent leader.

“Bak...bak...bak….ba-bak. Ba-bak-ba-bakkaaak. Ba baka ba bk-ba.” Alucard had no idea what this bird was saying, but it seemed that it made sense to the roosters bobbing their heads in agreement, the hens seemed to be squawking a bit more in distress. The roosters turned to look at the hens, clucking at them in rebuke, the hens flapping their wings in displeasure and clucking even more. A rooster got too close to an irate hen, she pecking him heartily with her beak, sending the rooster scurrying while trying to sound off. A literal hen-pecking. Today was fun. The large rooster crowed and it sent the room back into silence, the hens still very miffed. The larger rooster started to scratch and peck at the ground, clucking every once in a while while staring at different chicken, talking and then scratching again. As the rooster stood back, it became clear that there was a large battle plan just scratched out on the earthen floor.

The chickens debated some more before nodding and clucking in agreement, the hens filing out as the roosters followed down through other tunnels. The white rooster waited till all the other chickens had left and then started hopping up the wall to leave through the opening in the ceiling. Alucard followed the chicken, finding himself near the palace again. He looked around, finding goblins roaming around cleaning up the chicken he had slaughtered already. Alucard continued to follow the white rooster, seeing him peck at goblins that got too close to him. The rooster walked right up to the palace doors, but instead of waiting for the doors to open, the chicken slipped in through a side window. Alucard followed behind, missing his fingers as he stretched out his wings. The chicken walked right into the Throne room, and Alucard couldn’t help but laugh as the rooster crowed to announce itself in the room. Jareth came into the room in a huff, glaring at the massive chicken in his room.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I told your kind to stop running a muck in my kingdom. All I demand is obedience and fresh eggs for breakfast, and you and yours get all uppity about how many eggs my court is eating. If you’ve come to apologize it’s too late. I will accept nothing more than surrender if you want the hunter called off.”

“Bak bak babakka bba-ka.” The rooster bobbed his head from left to right as he clucked.

“That language is absolutely unacceptable in my palace.” Jareth dismissed, taking his seat to be dismissive of the rooster.

“Kaba bak bakk bakaka.”

“War? You think your kind can possibly hope to win a war against me?”

“Bak bak--koooka koooka kooo.”

“Oh don’t crow at me. You’re kind hasn’t been able to shift into your true forms for centuries. A cockatrice is no more dangerous than a reading worm at this point. You had better surrender soon, who knows how many more of your kind he is turning into...blasted what do the mortals say...ah, yes...chicken nuggets.” It was at this point that the rooster got very flustered, wings spread wide open and aggravated clucking that was getting lower than before.

“So that’s what is going on here.” Alucard spoke as he walked from the shadows, maintaining his chicken form purely for the fun of it now. “You needed a dragon slayer to hunt them. Let me guess, their females can’t keep laying eggs for your kitchen?”

“It’s not the Hens’ eggs I am after.” Jareth slapped his riding crop against the nearby cowering goblin. “I want Rooster eggs for my meals, and the roosters refuse to cooperate. The hens have been doing their part. Now go on and kill this blasted bird so his flock will fall in line and you can be on your way.”

“I think you forget your place Fey. I was contracted to hunt the chickens, not to fight a war for you. My job at this point is done. Now keep up your end of the bargain. A costume and I will be on my way.” Alucard finally adjusted into his human form, dusting off the extra feathers from his coat. Jareth was elegantly frustrated, tossing his hair back in showy display before he relented, summoning a crystal and tossing it at Alucard’s feet, glamour magic outfitting the vampire as promised. “If you find yourself in a war, I may have some free time to spare in playing this game. But for now, farewell.” Alucard bowed as he exited the room, ascending the stairs of a castle tower till he reached the door leading back to the mortal realm. Among the stones sat a door that was extremely out of place in the fantasy world, the door to a phone booth stood there, and Alucard opened it, shutting it behind him. He picked up the phone and pressed 020, and listened as the operator asked where in the city he was looking to go. Giving his desired address he waited as music played while he was connected.

“Welcome to London, have a nice night in the mortal realm.” The line went dead and Alucard hung up, turning around and walking out of the booth. A startled mortal looking at him exiting the box when no one had been inside it before. Alucard ignored the human, simply walking in his grand costume down the street towards his destination. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alucard's costume still featured in chapter 16 in Crimson Smiles.


End file.
